HELL O SAILOR
Congratulations to the Captain and Chaplain of HMS Cumberland. Their enthusiasm for political correctness has resulted in a remarkable opportunity for some good old fashioned worship in the Cranmerian style on board. The Cranmer in question is, however, not Thomas but Christopher, a 24-year old technician who has won the right to practise his religion. His chosen liturgy is unlikely to be the Book of Common Prayer (unless it is backwards) as Master Cranmer is a satanist.
He first became a follower of Old Nick at the tender age of 15 when he came across ‘The Satanist Bible’ by American Anton La Vey whose followers included Jayne Mansfield. The creed of evil, vengeance, total self-gratification and sexual indulgence was music to the young lad’s heart and he realized that he was already a satanist.
Cranmer’s family and friends are reportedly ‘delighted’ that he has been recognized as a devil worshipper and, in spite of his public commitment to evil, the ship’s captain has been quoted as saying that ‘there is nothing of the dark about him at all.’
Mr La Vey, a former fairground barker who made a fortune from his cult, went to hell in 1997.
CHUCK IT BENNISON
When the inappropriately named Charles ‘Chuck’ Bennison, Bishop of Pennsylvania, was informed that a husband and wife clergy team in his diocese were pushing the liturgical norms by celebrating pagan rites at the altar he was swift to comment. ‘There will’, he pontificated, ‘be no witch hunts in this diocese.’ Presumably there is no time, energy, money or lawyers left over since the whole effort of the last few years of his princely rule has been dedicated to eradicating orthodox Christian priests and seizing their parishes.
Earlier this year 30 Days explained the careful technical meaning of the word ‘celibate’ in discussions of Human Sexuality’ (Does the Anglican Communion ever discuss anything else?). It means unmarried rather than sexually chaste and hence its convenience in public pronouncements.
Now our man on the Piccadilly Line confirms it has an even wider meaning in some circles. ‘I’m celibate’ means, apparently, ‘I don’t have a settled faithful relationship right now so I am available this evening!’
Terribly difficult to keep up with all these nuances.
Reformation relic hunters were thrilled by news from German archaeologists that they had found the original cathedra of protest, Luther’s toilet. Flushed with their success they should now be able to discover if Luther’s movement was really connected to the Diet of Worms and if this was where he produced the 95 Faeces, later nailed to the door of Schlosskirke in Wittenburg. It strains belief to think that Luther was once a regular Catholic.
THE TRUTH ? – NO
Since publishing a couple of bizarre comments from George Carey’s amusingly titled memoir, Know the Truth, the 30 Days office has been inundated by readers who have discovered other curious assertions between its covers. The most (un)popular quote comes from his concluding but ever generous assessment of his own remarkable archiepiscopal ministry. At the end of his time in charge Dr Carey reflects, in all seriousness, ‘There was a deeper unity in the House of Bishops and, more importantly, no-one could now point the finger at "unbelieving bishops".’
One baffled correspondent writes of his experience of being told by his bishop that no orthodox appointments would ever take place in his diocese. Another writes that his bishop privately acknowledged his abuse of the appointment system to favour the homosexual lobby and exclude traditional Christian clergy. A third correspondent, when putting the scriptural case against his diocesan bishop’s heretical views, was astonished to receive the reply, ‘Don’t think that scriptural c––p cuts any ice with me. When it’s read in church I think the reader should finish by saying, ‘This was the word of the Lord’.
Dr Carey will no doubt be shocked to know that all three of these outstanding men of God reside in the Province of Canterbury and were appointed by the Commissions which he chaired.
NUDE EVERY MORNING
While the Anglican Communion convulses itself over the symptoms (priestesses, homosexual bishops, multiple marriage partners etc etc), evidence of the underlying disease has leaked onto the official website of the American church (ECUSA). The Office of Women’s Ministries posted a ‘eucharist’ to celebrate ‘the divine feminine’. What they did not acknowledge was that it was, almost verbatim, the rite of Tuatha de Brighid – a clan of modern druids.
‘The chalice of sweet red wine is raised and a woman says, ‘Blessed are you, our Mother God, for you have given us the fruit of the earth. Red as blood, warm as life itself, sweet and intoxicating as love. We bless you for the power of this drink to remind us of our own power. We praise you for the strength and beauty of our bodies and for the menstrual blood of womanhood…’ etc etc.
When the story about the husband and wife clergy team in Pennsylvania who were practising druids broke, the service was hastily removed from the website along with the ever-popular ‘Liturgy for Divorce’. Curious that.
One of the reasons it has been so easy for orthodox doom-mongers to predict where the Anglican Church is heading in the West is because they have not mistaken the symptoms for the disease. The disease is, of course, our old friend paganism. But while England rejoices in having slipped a druid into Canterbury, the Nigerian Primate fulminates against the American revisionists and their allies as belonging to a ‘different religion’. Have the Africans finally rumbled what is going on behind all the phoney Anglican pleasantries and how long before our ecumenical partners are alerted?
Implausible as the latest fudge of Archbishop Robin Eames undoubtedly is, the episcopal bench over here will be heaving a collective sigh of relief. The Windsor Report did not pass judgement on the presenting symptom of the current crisis, i.e. the consecration to the episcopate of a divorced man with a live-in male lover. Had the old confectioner taken a swipe at such delightfully modern behaviour, the American hierarchy and the British press have a list of English bishops for whom a scrutiny of their private lives would be similarly discomfiting.
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