Know your enemy
Warmest thanks to the heresy-infested Episcopal Church of the United States for this text for a Eucharist using Female Nouns and Pronouns. Space does not allow us to give you this guff in its entirety, but you can read it for yourself at <www.episcopalchurch.org/documents/WM_Eucharist.doc>. Some examples will suffice though:
The people (P) standing, the celebrant (C) says: Blessed be the Lady who births, redeems and sanctifies us. P: And blessed be all of her creation forever. Amen
C: Nurturing Mother, our hearts are open to you. You know our yearnings and our deepest fears. Purify our hearts with your burning love, that we may learn to love you more and more. Amen.
or, from the Eucharistic Prayer (sic):
…Mother, you loved the world so much that you sent your only Son to be our Savior. Incarnate by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, he lived as one of us, yet without sin…
and, with no sense of irony:
Grant that all who share this bread and cup may become one body and one spirit, a living offering in Christ, to the praise of your name. Remember, precious Lady, your one holy catholic and apostolic Church, redeemed by the blood of your Christ. Reveal its unity, guard its faith, and preserve it in peace.
Guard its faith? Amen to that!
Christian book news
‘Ah, how to capture the magic of true love? Take a handful of rose petals, a scented candle, some silk ribbon, and a little bit of hocus pocus – and nothing could be simpler. Enchantress Teresa Moorey offers a host of tried and tested spells, potions and rituals that will help you find out just how to bring love into your life. This little volume is filled with spells to find your perfect match, become irresistible, keep a love that’s true, or when Cupid’s arrow has gone astray, mend a broken heart.’ Thus reads the publisher’s blurb on Love Spells (overpriced on Amazon at £2·30), by Teresa Moorey, a Gloucestershire based witch, astrologer, counsellor and hypnotherapist.
Unremarkable enough, to be sure, but this nice little pot boiler was, until a few days ago, on sale at the Episcopal Book Resource Centre – an offshoot of the ever-heretical ECUSA Inc. Oddly, as soon as a number of traditionalist Christian websites in the States drew attention to the fact that ECUSA’s bookstore was selling a book by a self-confessed pagan, it unaccountably disappeared from its website.
One of Scotland’s most senior Catholics has waded into the sectarianism debate, reports the Sunday Herald, criticising UEFA for failing to clamp down hard on Glasgow Rangers and warning that its inaction could encourage bigotry to flourish in Scotland. Archbishop Mario Conti said that the decision by the European footballing body to clear the club’s supporters of sectarianism, despite the fact that its own report cited instances of fans shouting ‘F*** the Pope,’ was ‘unhelpful’ and might ‘inadvertently give encouragement to the bigots’.
Some interesting entries for last month’s competition, virtually all of which are unprintable. Delicacy precludes our revealing what Stephen Marsden suggested a glass bowl full of condoms might represent and Fr Marcus Stewart’s alternative suggestion for the representative qualities of an organ pipe served only to make 30Days’ eyes water. Other suggestions, including sick bags and smelling salts, are best forgotten. So the bottle of Forward in Faith champagne is on its way to Lucy Qureshi, in Oxford, who hit the nail on the head with: ‘Any church whose symbol of mission was a bottle of champagne would get my vote!’
Patrons, Diocesan Boards of Patronage and the like need to be on their guard! Miriam Byrne, the controversial provost of St Paul’s Cathedral, Dundee, has announced her resignation. She has told her congregation she intends to step down on June 30. 30Days readers will recall that Attila the Nun’s appointment attracted controversy from the outset, with unhappy members of the vestry complaining of a dictatorial style and making a formal complaint against the twice-married former Catholic nun.
Then allegations emerged she exceeded an £18,000 allowance from church funds for improvements to the rectory in Richmond Terrace by a further £19,000. This led to members of the congregation calling for her resignation and a Scottish Episcopal Church hearing, which ruled she could retain her post. A statement from the vestry said that the provost leaves Dundee having completed a number of very successful initiatives, including ‘much sought-after patterns of worship.’ It is understood that Ms Byrne will leave Dundee to pursue ‘other projects’. You have been warned.
News from Sweden of a controversial exhibition of photographic images of Jesus that had the backing of Caroline Krook, Bishop of Stockholm, and promises of substantial funding from her diocese and the Church of Sweden. Reportedly she had rushed the grant application through committee at short notice, leading several members to complain that she had omitted to mention that, for example, one photo recreated Da Vinci’s Last Supper but with a couple engaging in oral sex in the foreground, and another a woman nailed to the Cross.
The well-named Krook issued a press release defending the exhibition and denying that it was pornographic. ‘Who is nailed to the Cross when our Saviour dies?’ she wrote. ‘In our time it can be a prostituted woman, a tortured person from Latin America, or another of society’s most vulnerable. This is what the coming exhibition will help us understand.’ As the news broke, the Dean of Stockholm Cathedral, the Very Revd Hakan Längström, resigned in protest and Bishop Anders Arborelius, the Roman Catholic bishop of Stockholm went on record to describe the images as blasphemous. Within a few days and in the face of the furore, Krook had backed down and signs are that the whole puke-fest will be cancelled.
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