DECEMBER 1995 THIRTY DAYS

SPIRITED DEFENCE

A former Bedfordshire policeman, Anthony Cooper, 43 has denied charges of impersonating a police officer and making indecent phone calls. In an unusual defence, Dr Alan Sanderson (Consultant Psychiatrist at Fairfield Hospital) told Watford magistrates that the calls had a ghostly origin. Apparently Cooper is not an improper copper at all but the victim of "spirit attachment". His uninvited guest is a Leighton Buzzard ghost called "Peter the Pervert". "Peter's" modus operandi was to persuade Mr Cooper to contact the women, posing as a Watford Police Inspector, warning them that they were about to receive a sex pest call and to keep the pervert talking as long as possible to help trace it. "Peter" would then oblige with a torrent of filth for as long as the victim could endure it.

Dr Sanderson diagnosed "spirit attachment" because Mr Cooper said he had no knowledge whatsoever of the calls.

Spooky!

CHOCS AWAY

Those bemused by the acquiescence of St Paul's Cathedral Registrar, Brig. Robert Acworth, in the use of the dome for a five hour laser advert for a new chocolate bar have further cause for alarm. After collecting a paltry two grand for the coffers from Cadburys it has emerged that the Cathedral is charging the London Branch of Forward in Faith some 5000 to worship there for a couple of hours.

Brig. Acworth, or "Ackers" as he is now known, is a former Chief of Staff, Aldershot but has clearly lost all ability to spot flak.

OBJECTION OVERRULED

Evangelicals who like to believe that Freemasonry is the root of all evil will have been relieved recently by the confessions of two senior judges. Lord Justice Millett and Sir Maurice Drake said they enjoyed "the Craft" for its amateur dramatics, harmless play acting, good dinners and friendship. The secrets are "harmless", the ritual "ridiculous". They acknowledge it looks like "grown men behaving like children" and is no more sinister than belonging to a golf club. So next time you reach the nineteenth hole remember to raise your glass in a toast to:

All that's gone through the seven To him that groped in the dark The first man that entered the arch To him that first shaked his cable To the memory of him that moved his stones in the dark Harmony among all those who have received The cord of love.

As you do this, Brother President will put on the sacred buffalo horns and Brother Chief Caddy will discern the chicken entrails.

JUST WILLIAM

Persistent rumour has it that Monday, November 20 ( Dies Infanda for the House of Windsor) saw several royalist clerical members ensconced in a London Club for an ad hoc meeting to the "Wallis Simpson Appreciation Society". Following the screening of Panodrama - Beauty and the Beast - a toast was made to the lovely Wallis "who saved the nation from Edward VIII". Then came nominations for the society's woman of the year: another runaway victory for Mrs Familiar Parker-Knoll.

IT ALL ADDS UP

A concerned and highly placed correspondent has just sent 30 Days the results of some interesting research. Of the 108 extant Bishops in the Year Book only 12 have any affinity with the orthodox position and, in practice, only 4 of those have been of any positive assistance. This gives a best figure of 11% Episcopal representation in the dioceses and a more realistic one of 3.7%.

Archdeacons fare even worse at a maximum of 9.7% at a minimum of 3.5%

Obviously, in the carefully arranged absence of George Austin, the Crown Appointments Commission will need reminding of this extraordinary anomaly and the gross under representation of a third of the church.

MONEY BACK GUARANTEE

The story of a gentleman of the road who left 17.000 to Tewkesbury Abbey whilst he was going through 'an emotional upset' and now wants his money back is being watched with interest by many in the orthodox constituency. 'There are lots of us,' one aggrieved donor told 30 Days, 'who have given very generously to the Church of England over the years. Now that it has proved to be less of a Church than we thought it was, we too would like a refund.'

Return to Home Page of This Issue

Return to Trushare Opening Page