THIRTY DAYS SEPTEMBER 1997
SPLASHING OUT
Further to the report (30 Days, August) on Canterbury Diocesan Conference,
several readers have contacted us with descriptions of the uplifting
final worship.
Armed with buckets of water the Bishops and Archbishop went about
liberally asperging their unsuspecting flock in an act of baptismal
solidarity.
Much Episcopal mirth resounded as Canterbury and Maidstone teased
Dover for his obvious expertise and enjoyment of this “High Church”
rite - believed to be a pastiche of Roman pre-mass ritual and Easter
Vigil.
Those gloomy spoilsports, amongst the increasingly damp Presbyteral
order, who complained about this spontaneous outburst of Charismatic
Catholicism will have to eat their words. As a direct result of this
prayerful downpour several unsuspected clergy, led by the Spirit,
made immediate enquiries about membership of Forward in Faith.
CHRISTA’S SISTER
Archdeacon of York, George Austin, is fond of teasing Liberal opponents
by pointing out that while they are keen to feminize God they seem
very reluctant to refer to the devil as “She”.
Now, it seems, his humorous speculations may prove horribly accurate.
While “Spiritual Warfare” experts and keen Biblicists have been trying
to discern the incarnation of the Great Deceiver (1 John 2 v 18),
they may, by a slip of the translators pen, be looking in the wrong
place and gender!
A new rock band has arisen conflating the Ying and Yang of Christology
and giving a warm comforting face to the rejection of Divine Patriarchy.
Their name? “Auntie Christ”.
It is not known if their album track “The Future is War” is an end
time meditation on Armageddon or simply a prophecy for next year's
Lambeth Conference.
TRUTH AT STAKE
Fun and games for Porvoo watchers. Usually reliable sources have advertised
the latest sayings of the Archbishop of Sweden. He is purported to
have accused the opponents of women priests of “Heresy”. The “Porvoo
Official Defence Minister” at Church House has assured journalists
that there must not be any truth in this story. “30 Days” is inclined
to believe him, as the Archbishop of Sweden obviously regards opponents
of feminism as much worse than heretics:  he will not even allow the
Church to ordain them.
BABYFOOD
Congratulations to go-ahead Winchester. Another great stride in ecumenism
will be made this month when King Alfred College (Church of England
foundation, Chairman of Governors - the Bishop) hosts an international
conference of practising pagans.
R.E. lecturer and organiser Dr. Graham Harvey estimates up to half
a million pagans in Britain today and feels their faith is widely
misunderstood. “There are many misconceptions, about orgies and eating
babies, that need to be challenged”.
Hear! Hear! As any self respecting medical practitioner will tell
you there are few greater enemies of a rampant libido than a full
stomach.
RESPECT
One of our young readers wanted to know if we’d heard this joke which
was doing the rounds at this summers great “Soul Survivor” Festival.
“A very rich man had three sons.
One son was fanatical about aeroplanes so his dad bought him an airport.
The second son was obsessed with trains so his dad bought him a station.
The third son was mad about cowboys - so his dad bought him the Church
of England”
STONE ME!
As reported in the Church of England Newspaper recently, Age Concern
have approached an unlikely candidate for their new Patron. It is
one Michael Jagger, 54, the posturing, pouting prince of pop, lead
singer of the Rolling Stones and role model for all angry middle-aged
men.
The spokesman for Age Concern, Hilary Franklin, sees our Michael as
a fine example of keeping going in a youth orientated area of work.
“Why should you give up doing what you love just because you are older?”
she cries.
The Stones are releasing their new album, “Bridges to Babylon”, on
the feast of St Michael (no relation) and All Angels and, as luck
would have it, a national daily has just spent a whole week reminding
us, in double page spreads, of what our Michael loved doing - and
still does apparently. Copy-cat crinklies will need a turbo-charged
zimmer frame to keep up.
Surely Age Concern’s obvious choice for Patron is “Gerry and the Pacemakers”.
ROMEING MINSTREL
“Greetings, hymnpickers”, as the “Revd” Alan “Fluff” Freeman used
to say, “and welcome to the final item of this poptastic 30 Days.”
Bob Dylan, greatest living figure in popular music, is going to the
World Eucharistic Congress in Bologna this month to play for the Pope.
No final news of the proposed medley yet but he surely must include
his compositions “With God on Our Side” and, the Pope’s special request,
“Absolutely Sweet Marie”.
ORA PRO NOBIS

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