30 DAYS: February 1998
ALE-LUYA
Twenty one year old John McGrath may not be a natural charismatic but he is hoping to be able to raise his right arm in the hereafter. As he is not normally "spiritually" inclined he has requested, in his will, that he be buried with as many tins of his favourite beer as will fit in the coffin.
John, who is from Bury, loves Boddingtons Ale so much that, in the ancient tradition of grave goods, he wants to take it with him.
When the Lord calls "last orders" it will give a whole new meaning to the Resurrection of "The Boddies". Perhaps, to save the excess portage on the bearers, it would be easier to scrap the idea of beer in a casket and simply put young John in a cask!
HOLY SMOKE
Good to see that the ever vigilant diocesan authorities in St. Alban's keep a careful eye on their dangerous charismatics.
The most recent diocesan mailing carries an advertisement for the renewal group's next event called, "Catch the Fire".
This is followed immediately by an item headed, "Fire Safety in Parsonage Houses".
THE SACKRIFICE OF THE MASS
The Intercontinental Church Society is leaving London after much argument and dissension. It will be setting up shop in Leamington Spa conveniently near where the International Director Canon John Moore had already purchased his house. They will share offices with Church Pastoral Aid Society where, by another happy coincidence, Canon Moore was Director until 1996.
Most of the existing London staff have, in order that the Lord's will so manifestly be done in this, had to sacrifice their jobs.
Never mind, the caring Canon has invited them to a service of thanksgiving where they can "say goodbye to these offices and, for most of them, their actual physical involvement with ICS. We shall want too to commit the future to Him with all its uncertainties, challenges and opportunities".
Not quite so uncertain for Canon Moore as for those who have lost their jobs. Still he assures them that "it will be a particular pleasure for me to greet you".
And also with you.
CLEVER DICK
An American Bishop has sent in this story of enormous sacramental interest.
A conservative Roman Catholic Priest friend went to take up his duties in a new parish. On the staff he inherited one very radical nun - liberal, feminist and 110% in favour of women priests.
In his first week he assigned her to the uncontroversial task of hospital visiting.
She returned one day, marched up to the priest and, in company, remarked as stridently as she could, "Father, if I had a penis I could have anointed thirty people today!" To which the quick-witted Father responded "Really sister? I almost always prefer to use my thumb".
BEAVERING AWAY
The enthusiastic new American Press Guru of the Anglican establishment, the appropriately named Bill Beaver, has been living up to his name of late. Harnessing the latest communications technology and finest minds to put a positive spin on such recent heart warming Gospel messages as "be nice - be a Christian", "Don't be a Scrooge at Christmas" and "More people go to church than we think" he sadly overstepped the mark at the recent House of Bishops meeting.
He went around, apparently, instructing bishop's wives that they should on no account speak to the press or give the media their views.
Perhaps he may be forgiven, as an American, for not knowing his Trollope but some kindly bishop's wife should tell him that one doesn't keep a bishop and make public statements oneself.
ALL CHAPS NOW
Two of the Anglican church's newest female Priests have a dilemma: they don't know what they should be called. Libbie Crossman and Jocelyn Pitt, both school Chaplains in Brisbane and both mothers, are happier being called Father rather than Mother.
"Neither of us want to be called Mother" says Rev. Pitt, "it doesn't have the warm connotation that Father has. I'd rather be Father than Mother". Rev. Crossman agrees. Mother, for her, has "negative connotations". She expands. "To me, Mother is an appendage rather than being someone within her own right".
Both of these innovative transgendering theologians believe that..."having women priests is not going to reduce the number (of Anglicans) in the future".
Just as well really. The Anglican Church has lost 100,000 members in the last five years for which statistics are available as the Liberal bandwagon has swept all before it in most dioceses.
CHRISTIAN'S DOME
Carping Roman Catholic Bishops who have complained about the extravagance and waste of the Millennium Dome (£758 m) can only watch in envy and admiration the influence the established church (The New Church of England) has on the government.
No sooner had Managing Director, George Carey, returned from Ethiopia than he was making it clear he was right behind Major-Domo Peter "Disney" Mandelson. Within 48 hours a press release made it clear that the Dome's contents were to be monitored by and submitted for Christian's approval. The Christian in question is an 8 year old North London boy who is mad on Nintendo computer games and football. Christian (yes that's his name) has been advising "The New Millennium Experience" and "Work" consultants for some years apparently.
So, eat your heart out Cardinal Hume, thanks to the people's Archbishop we can look forward to central Dome experiences including "Ave Mario" and "The Church of England - a Mickey Mouse Organisation".