FEBRUARY 1999

3O DAYS

UNSATISFACTORY

The ageing lothario, fag dancer and world's oldest angry young man, Mr Michael Jagger, is being sued by his model wife, Jerry Hall, for divorce.

Married for eight of their twenty years together Ms Hall was not altogether pleased at our Michael's ungallant response. Seeking to reduce the settlement it is rumoured that the ultimate Rolling Stone is questioning the legality of the romantic marriage ceremony in Bali. The Hindu ritual seems to have been very spiritually uplifting but rather lacking in paperwork. The obvious lesson in all this to the growing band of beach brides is :

GET THE STRENGTH OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND AROUND YOU.

 

HUME TRUTHS

Miss Anne Widdecombe, Conservative spokesman on health and former Anglican, has ignored one of the cardinal rules of the game. When you change teams you do not go and drop your new captain in it.

In her contribution to the volume, Basil Hume, by his friends, the former warden of 'Cell Block H' assures us that it is common knowledge amongst the inner circle that Bazza regards Uncle George with contempt.

Bazza has, of course, promptly denied this and sent an epistolary bouquet to Lambeth.

The truth is a little more complex.

The Cardinal is not someone who holds people in contempt - it's not his style.

However it is a fact that he has personally interviewed over 150 Anglican clergy who have enquired about becoming Roman Catholics. The consistency of their stories, bad treatment by heretical and persecutory bishops, and the insight into the mind set of the liberal establishment and their Romaphobia, has been a shocking eye opener to Bazza.

Contempt is the wrong word - more consternation that such an organisation should be passing itself off as the national church.

KING DAVID?

Fears that the Church of England's favourite controversialist Dr David Jenkins had been lost to national life have been put to rest. He has emerged as the chairperson of a group of academics who have been meeting privately for 18 months to arrange the next Coronation Service.

True to form the great mind claims the old service is anti-Catholic and not secular enough. To this end RCs, Methodists, the Chief Rabbi and representatives of Islam will all play a part and the communion service will be out as it is too exclusive. (Actually it is anyway, as only the Monarch receives.) Surely we should follow the New Labour example and go the whole hog and abolish the hereditary principle. The new monarch could then be chosen from a list of nominated candidates by a self- appointed commission. After all this system has produced a succession of remarkable bishops in the last twenty years.

The inclusion of Islamic brethren, moreover, will surely mean that one of our bishops will be invited to the coronation in Saudi once Prince Fahd pops his clogs. In the meantime they might let our servicemen take their bibles in.

So many ecumenical possibilities!

 

YOUNG CLEAN SHAVEN GOD SHOCK

Millions of traditionalist believers were left stunned and confused recently as the Pope announced that 'God is not an old man with a beard.' In an audience at St Peter's, the Holy Father swept away two thousand years of the church's teaching leaving many worshippers shocked and angry.

Radicals have leapt into the fray claiming that God may well be young and clean shaven or even with a Zapata moustache. Feminists have seen the Pope's statement as the first movement of the church towards recognising their claim that God is female and uses a Ladyshave.

Cardinal Ratzinger has admitted that it now seems just a matter of time before the Pontiff questions the very existence of Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy.

 

ALL CHE-NGE

The Churches' Advertising network is at it again. This Easter we will all be invited to put up posters of the revolutionary Marxist and atheist Che Guevara dressed as Jesus with the street wise message, 'MEEK MILD AS IF' Posing beside the artwork at the launch were the group of deeply unexciting middle aged men who spend their time fantasising about what turns teenagers on to God.

Rev. Peter Owen-Jones, replete with blue clerical shirt, baggy waistcoat, check Dunn's style jacket, jeans and a trilby, was an eloquent statement in himself. The media guru, Dr Tom Ambrose, was in verbal overdrive claiming it demonstrated enormous confidence and revolutionary spirit in the church. 'We want to get away from a wimpy Nordic figure in a nightie.' Dr Tom hoped that teenaged girls would pin him (Che/Jeez) on their bedroom walls.

Dr Ambrose is 52.

 

EXIT....ER, AT LAST

The diocese of Exeter has gone into mourning. Caught out by the iniquitous rule that even the best bishops must go at 70, the Rt Revd Geoffrey Hewlett Thompson has announced his retirement.

G.T. has done a remarkable job in fourteen years turning a fuddy duddy traditionalist old diocese into an icon of the modern C of E. Scarcely an appointment has gone by without a committed moderniser, free from turgid doctrinal baggage, being thrust into it.

His wife, also, will be missed for her spiritual circle dancing and decisive leadership of the diocese.

Few people know that G.T. owed his promotion to the inspiration of the former Bishop of London, Graham Leonard, who had him as a suffragan. It was ungracious of Leonard to spoil it by reportedly remarking, 'When I said I wanted rid of him at any price I didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to make him a diocesan!'

Still Exeter will not mourn for long. The usual palaver will be gone through before, as if by magic, the candidate already decided upon will take up the reins.

Step forward Graham James, last of Runcie's bagmen and faithful defender, currently Bishop of St Germans, just over the border in Cornwall. This will kill two birds with one stone. The process of modernisation disguised in catholic clothes can continue and the James children will be able to pop over to the family home without too much difficulty. All very Anglican.

 

ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?

Once again Westcott House, former finishing school to the episcopate, is setting the pace. The heavenly twins Rev. Angela Tilby and Sr. Lavinia Byrne (Job-share-for-Jesus Spirituality Tutors) are running a Holy Week and Easter at the House.

'Guests will be able to help create the liturgy and music of the week'

Nuff said!

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