A Satirical Essay by David Virtue

"And why are you here Mr. Virtue?"

"Well, I saw that The Episcopal Church was looking for a Director of Communications and I thought I would apply for the job."

"How well qualified are you?"

"Very well."

"Tell us more."

"Well, it says here that the new director must "direct the development of communication policies and procedures that work toward maximum possible understanding and acceptance of the national Episcopal Church's message to the various publics; develop a clear and coherent image of the Episcopal Church in the pubic media, direct the development of public relations objectives, plans and programs, advise and assist the Presiding Bishop. Believe me I can do all this."

What makes you think you are the best applicant?"

"Because I know a lot about the Episcopal Church and I can keep my mouth shut."

"And for this you want the job?"

"You got it."

"That sounds like blackmail to us?"

"Blackmail, BLACKMAIL! How could you even think a thing like that? I've had 30 years experience in journalism. I have worked as Director of Communications for some of the largest non-profit organizations in the country including the American Bible Society right here in Manhattan and I know more about the workings of ECUSA than anyone else except Bishop Spong. And he's gone. Of course he might write about it later as he likes to write about everything, but I can help spin that for you if he does. Believe me you need me."

"But we want someone to "develop a clear and coherent image of The Episcopal Church in the public media." "Believe me I'm clear and coherent. I can even count from 1 to 526. Furthermore I can also spell lesbitransgay and I know what it means. I can also change the meaning of the word 'integrity' to make it fit neatly with sexual pluriformity. Believe me when I tell you that I know all about 'coherence'."

"But can you "develop and execute communication programs..."

"Believe me I can execute anybody. I've done it many times and I get better with it each passing day. Execution is my name and execution is my game. Get down."

"I don't think you quite understand Mr. Virtue, we want to "ensure [an] integrated and seamless operation... someone who is willing to learn and adapt in a rapidly changing environment..., selecting and using methods of communication including print and publications, broadcast media, multi-media and the Internet, and above all have a comprehensive knowledge of the workings of the Episcopal Church."

"Trust me I now all about the Internet. It's how I got my reputation. And as far as having a comprehensive knowledge of the workings of the Episcopal Church, believe me, you would want to pay me $150,000 NOT to say everything I know. But of course you already know that. Trust me I'm 'seamless' through and through. I promise to tell the truth everyday I am in the job."

"What if someone asks you about ordaining non-celibate gays to the priesthood. What will you tell them?"

"If someone asks me if we ordain non-celibate homosexuals to the priesthood I will say that the House of Bishops has never voted on that so The Episcopal Church does not officially support the ordination of non-celibate homosexuals to the priesthood. But then I would say that the Righter Trial said we had no canons on human sexuality so you can do it. So there's your answer."

"Very good Mr. Virtue, I think you're catching on. Now what if someone asks you about gay marriages?"

"Well, I would say that the Standing Commission on Liturgy and Music voted against it so the Episcopal Church is officially against it. But then I would say that 'local option' means that bishops can do whatever they like and Frank Griswold will turn a blind eye and look the other way and then I'd tell the other 37 primates of the Anglican Communion that the Episcopal Church doesn't officially stand up or lie down for that in its policy."

"Brilliant Mr. Virtue. Bloody brilliant. I think we are getting somewhere. This job could be yours."

"Really?"

"Let's continue. There's an ugly lie abroad that The Episcopal Church is in a state of "crisis" with a couple of newly consecrated bishops running round saying the Episcopal Church is about to collapse from the weight of years of liberalism and pansexual behavior. What would you say to counter this?" "I would say that The Episcopal Church has 'multiple realities', and that there is not one single reality encompassing the rich diversity of The Episcopal Church. We have many genders and many 'pluriform truths' especially in New York City where I live."

"Excellent, Mr. Virtue. The job could be yours."

"Now if it looks as though things are REALLY falling apart what would you say?"

"I would say 'we've arrived at a new, deeper place'."

"Where exactly is that?"

"It's a place called understanding where truths meld into one, where we step back to go forward, where the bishops agree to disagree and yet continue in that place of mutual understanding. It is where the intangible is made tangible in the eternal now of god and where we can all do the Circle Dance of Dispossession with our clothes off."

"Brilliant. Mr. Virtue, the job is yours. Now you will promise to tell the truth, won't you?"

"Absolutely I will."

"Do you believe in pluriform truths?"

"What sort of truths?"

"Pluriform truths."

"Ah yes well that all depends on what kind of pluriform truths I'm asked to believe. What do you have in mind?"

"Pluriform truths means multiple, even, dare I say, self-contradictory truths that on the surface look like contradictions but underneath have a coherence that might not always be visible to the naked eye."

"I see. Can we find a Scripture for this?"

"Yes. The Apostle Paul said we should be "all things to all men..." To the straights you are straight, to the gays you are gay, to the Lesbitransgay you are Lesbitransgay. Hey dress up and you can be Ru Paul. You name it and we can be it."

"Gosh I had no idea it was that simple."

"Yes, it is that simple really. All you have to do is sign on the dotted line, accept this check for $12,500.00 for your first month's salary. You've got the job."

"Thank you, but what's this coupon for?'

"Ah yes, that's to allow you to go to Elizabeth Arden on Fifth Avenue. We've already made an appointment for you. They have a makeover artist who'll do wonders with your body, believe me you need it. Your image is far too male macho. Together we need to convey a more androgynous feel in keeping with the image of ECUSA and the presiding bishop's need to promote sexual pluriformity. After all if you're going to support Lesbitransgay and transgendered behavior your lipstick needs to be more in keeping with Cher. I'm sure you'll understand. By the way your office has been equipped with a new pink MAC computer, a gift from Integrity, ECUSA's official gay organization. They're so excited about you getting this position they just had to do something for you. The Rev. Michael Hopkins sent it with his best wishes. He said not to use scissors on the rainbow ribbon, ribbons having feelings too. Have a nice day.

© DAVID VIRTUE 2000

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